My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
