And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
I puked a lego.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
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his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
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You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
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