Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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