Ketchup is God's man juice
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
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