im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Randomize
