Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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