I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
