brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
