is your mom at the bar?
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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