Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize