If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
