i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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