I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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