Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
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