Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
