I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
