I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
