i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
