Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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