guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
