this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
she told me i tasted like america
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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