Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
