one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
