Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
