There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Randomize
