Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
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