Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
