apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
