i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Randomize
