Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
