I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
operation harelip BJ is a go
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
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