you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
