I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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