Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
