He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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