We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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