Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
