As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
