Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
