I cockslap morals
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
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