she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
