You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Everyone says I win the strip club
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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