I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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