just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
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