Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
