the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
