My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
