I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
