I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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