I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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