just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
