dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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