why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
