My Higher Power is John Stamos
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.