Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?