So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
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