I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Sober January is a disaster.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
