This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
