let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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